The SecondLast Samurai
by PoMZ
Summary: Basically a funny parody of the Last Samurai.In the face of the enemy, in a mind of one man, there is one word:run!
1. prologue

Author's note: Wow… hasn't written in a long time, heh. Might b rusty so b nice.

Disclaimer: Me no own Last Samurai, Sinfory or Roy (thank god) or any white tigers (damn). I don't own anything! Nothing I tell you! runs away

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**Prologue**

_Shots of vast green scenery, also known as New Zealand, are seen as a narration in an English accent is heard._

_Narration: They say Japan was made by a sword. I say it was made by famous motor-companies, the latest IT-Gadgets, Anime and sushi, but what am I saying and who listens to me?_

A whole lot of Japanese words flash onto screen as the title is revealed:

**The Second-Last Samurai!**

A bald Japanese guy is sitting on top of a grassy hill, closing his eyes as he meditates in the silence. Suddenly an army of Gondorian horses and men charge past him.

Army: DEATHH!

Katsumoto: (startled) what the! (Yells at the men) This is meant to be Japan, not Middle Earth!

PJ: ooops sorry bro, wrong location.

After the confused LotR staff and cast (and many horses) left, the Samurai was left in peace and continues with his meditations.

_Katsumoto's vision_

_In a foggy, misty bamboo forest, a white tiger, surrounded by Japanese warriors, roar and snarls at spears which attempt to threaten it. The warriors hesitate to capture it._

_White Tiger: yeah that's right, I'm a mean kitty. Grrr!_

_Suddenly, Sinfory and Roy appear from nowhere, clad in their sparkling costumes and purple cape. Spotlights are cast on the white tiger and the smiling pair as drum rolls and mystical music is heard._

_Booming American Voice Out from Nowhere: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sinfory and Roy will turn this completely tame tiger into… a bunny rabbit! _

_White Tiger: Heck no!_

_Roy tries to cover the tiger with a silk flag but the White Tiger pounces and bit his arm._

_Roy: OW! You're a bad putty tatt!_

_Sinfory: Yayy now I can do a show on my own!_

_End Vision_

Katsumoto opens his eyes.

Katsumoto: Wow, those two were definitely gay.

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Authors note: Yeah that's all I got for now. Last Samurai and LotR were both shot in New Zealand, if u didn't know. Planned to get funnier. 


	2. a haunting past

**Author's Note:** Chapter two! Did anybody else feel Hidalgo ripped off the drunken ex-solider thing? O well

**Disclaimer:** No I don't own the Last Samurai, Hidalgo, any assorted vegetable (including green potatoes), or Santa…yet…

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**A Haunting Past**

America, 1870's.

In a dusty, smoky urban town a man on a stage sees that half of his crowd are dosing off, since his introduction is so boring, and decides to bring up his recently acquired war junk in the tent to spice things up.

Man: Ladies and gentlemen. The survivor of these many combats and an honourable guest today, I give you … _(Drum Roll)_ Captain Nathan Algren!

Everybody looks eagerly to the tent behind. Nobody appears. Crickets chirp.

Man: Erm _(Cough)_…_ (Drum Roll) _CAPTAIN NATHAN ALGREN!

Nothing happens.

Man: _(sweating) _Um…wait a second…_ (gets out a megaphone)_ CAPTAIN! NATHAN! ALGREN!

Nothing seems to happen again, but then a drunken Frank T. Hopkins and his horse Hidalgo appear on stage.

Hopkins: Yeehaa!

Man: _(whispers)_ Uh, sir I think you're in the wrong movie…

Hopkins: _(drunken stare)_ Oh. Whoopsss sorrrryy. _(To his horse)_ Ride like the wind Bulls-eye!

Hidalgo neighs and kicks his front legs up, causing the intoxicated cowboy to topple off and chase after his galloping horse, swearing in slurred speeches.

Man: _(turns to the bewildered audience, with an awkward smile)_ Ah…Let this be a lesson to you kids; don't drink and ride!

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Inside a clustered tent.

Slumping on the table with assorted bottles is Captain Nathan Algren, stirring in his alcohol-soaked sleep.

Algren: _(sleep talking)_ mmmm…green potatoes…

The flustered Man pears into the tent and sees drunk Algren and hisses with annoyance.

Man: Oi! Get up here! They're starting to throw assorted vegetables; and trust me flying carrots can be fatal!

Algren: Mmm…Mommy ten more minutes…

Man: Oh for cry'n' out loud!

In a flurry of frustration the man managed to rip Algren off the table and push him on stage with the rifle on display. But leaving a drunk man with a lethal weapon isn't the brightest thing to do…

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Outside the tent again.

Swaying on the stage stood a very drunken, and now confused, captain Algren, as he blinked at the eager looking crowd. A few awkward minutes passed as the uncomfortable people waited for the unshaven, tattered captain to speak rather than making the grunting and hiccuping noises.

Algren: whatha he'? _(hiccup)_…whereth ma drink? _(hiccup)_ _(Sees one of the posh looking ladies cough and yells)_ Whaddya lookin at? Huh? Punk?

The astonished audience begin to mumble in irritation. The man hiding behind the tent curtains is alarmed as he sees a few snickering boys picking up the random vegetables again.

Man: _(Whispering)_ the gun! Talk about the gun!

Eventually something in Algren's mind clicked as he realised he held an armed rifle.

Algren: … heh…Where did you come from? ...hmmm…

As he stared at the heavy metal device, he remembered past events. The horrid nightmares in his mind started to replay. A haunting memory…

_Algren's Flash Back. _

_He is 6 years old back at his home, the farm. It's Christmas time and outside it is snowing. Near the warm fireplace, under the tree, he tears the wrapping into shreds to reveal his present. He gives a cry of joy to find that it is a wooden toy gun. _

_Six-year old Algren: Thankyou Santa! I'm the happiest boy alive!_

_The man clad in red and white approaches the merry child and kneels to confront him._

_Santa: My boy, I'm glad you're happy, but I have something to tell you… _

_Little Algren curiously stared at the man with the beard. This did not sound good. This sounded serious._

_Six-year old Algren: WH…what is it Santa? Am I in trouble? I swear I didn't put mud in the Christmas pudding._

_Santa: You put mud in the Christmas pudding!_

_6years old Algren: (shuffles his feat) Naow… just worms…_

_Santa: (winces …that explains the slight tummy ache… uh, we'll um talk about that later… For now, Nathan, I have a secret I have kept that I must reveal now. We think… You are old enough to know the truth._

_6years old Algren: Okkay._

_The old man stood up and reached for his beard._

_Santa: Now, don't get too shocked, ok little fella? _

_Algren can remember the innocent excitement and wonder he had felt, having no preparation for the shock which will follow._

_Santa: Nathan…I AM YOUR FATHER._

_Algren: NOOOOooooooo_ooo

The flashback ends as the screaming drunk starts randomly firing the rifle, as a moment of panic and fear rises and the crowd screams and run for cover. Inside the tent the hidden man sobs, wondering how long it will take before the crazy psycho outside will eventually run out of bullets, and asking himself why he even picked up the loser at the pub in the first place...

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Author's note: yeah I totally ruined the flashback scene didn't I? (heh heh) 


	3. intelesting plopostion

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Last Samurai or a circus tent. I don't like the circus, the clowns scare me shudder and it always stinks, literally.

**

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An Intelesting Ploposition **

At a misty back alley.

Adoor swings open as a shrubby looking man and all his belonging is thrown out to the alley way. After his perilous performance, Nathan Algren understood why his employer kicked him out of commercialising war trophies, but secretly knew that they were the ones who will suffer the loss. Definitely. With no doubt. Most certainly ...Then again, he was not in the right mind to be certain of anything...

Algren: (g_rumbles as he manages to pick himself up)_ Yeah well…welll you're tents suck! I bet the circus has better tents than you! _(tries to reach the door, which slams into his face)_ Ow.._.(rubs nose )_And…and the clowns are funnier!

As he offensively shakes his fist at the closed door, his body still swaying from the whisky, he makes an unsteady step to the back, only to topple over Sergent Zebulon Gant, who happened to be lying at the doorstep.

Algren: OW! Whoa…Hello Sergent Gant…Err what are you doing down there?

Gant: You fell on me.

Algren: No, I mean why were you sleeping on the doorstep?

Gant: Must've knocked off while I was wait'n', sir.

Algren: _(gasp)_ you were out waiting in this cold miserable dump, lying around like a hobo, just for me? _(teary )_wow…I haven't been cared about this much since…since…whatever.

Gant: Err, actually sir…I was wait'n' for this very sassy lookin' lady called Pixy or somethin'. She told me she'll meet me but…shrugs I must've been wait'n' at the wrong spot. By the way, Cap'n' what are _you_ doin' here?

Algren: oh…(_sigh)_ joining the circus…(_picks up one of the whiskey flasks on the ground and takes a sip)_

Gant: Ah sir…Can you get off me now?

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In an oriental looking restaurant. 

Sergent Gant walks towards a table occupied by Colonel Bagley, Omura and Omura's evil looking body-guard. A staggering Algren follows him.

Bagley: Oh lord, why is HE here?

Algren: _(sees the table)_ Hey…more booze!

Algren plops himself to an empty chair and indulges himself with more brain-cell killing liquids. An amused Sergent Grant sits beside him and there are few words of introduction by the annoyed Colonel.

Omura: We have a verly intelesting ploposition for you two. The empeloor will leeward you well, if you tlain our men into solliders.

Gant: Meaning?

Algren: Heh… you talk funny…

Omura: _(glares at Algren)_ We say, apploxmately…500 per month.

Gant: _(gives a whistle)_

Algren: Empeloor…hee hee…

Omura's evil sidekick: _(in Japanese)_ Are they all idiots?

Omura:_ (replies in Japanese)_ Basically. That's what you get when you do business with men with big noses…

They both glance at Algren who is wobbling a chopstick up and down.

Algren: Hey! It looks like it's made from rubber!

Omura: _(in Japanese)_ …maybe this guys just a nutcase.

Algren: _(suddenly stands up)_ Excuse me; _(imitates Japanese accent)_ I have a berily important business with the nearlest bathlooom…heh heh heh…

The drunk tries to march out but nearly falls into a passing waiter. He eventually sways to a direction which he assumed led to the toilets. A few minutes later, ColonelBagley catches up to him when he is having a conversation with a withering pot plant.

Algren: _(nodding to the pot plant)_ Yes… I feel your pain…Oh but I do!

Bagley:_ (rises eyebrow)_ You're just doin' that coz you want to annoy me, right?

Algren: _(notices Bagley at last)_ Well, helloo there sirrr...Have you met this here...um _(whispers to plant )_What's your name again? _(giggles)_ Oh don't be shy, I know he looks like a chook with a sore bum, but he isn't. He's just a chicken as well as a pain in the arse.

Bagley: _(angrily gets him by the throat)_ Look you stupid drunk, nobody asked you to be here. But with my graceful generosity I'm gonna make you worth some while. You can either: go away now and die miserable and alone in the dumps, or go to Japan, teach the midgets how to hold a gun and get yourself killed by rampaging rebels.

Algren:_ (gasping )_Wherrrrre?

Bagley:_ (rolls his eyes)_ Japan! You know small Asian islands full of little men who bow a lot…

Algren: They got booze?

Bagley: ...Let megive you a deal. If you work for me,you can have double ofthetenth of what Omura's offering you plus a tenth of that worth of Sake.

Algren: sake?

Bagley:the only word you'll ever need to know in Japanese. It's like whiskey but made from rice. In Japan, it's the best damn drink to get drunk with

Algren: Sake...(_smiles dreamily)_

Bagley: so you're in?

Algren: Saaake...wait...where in America is it?

Bagley: _(groans)_

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Authors Note: So sorly if you couldn't read the Japanese accent. Poor Algren, so far he's always drunk lol 


	4. yohoyoho off 2 japan we go!

**Author's Note: **Haven't updated for a while… All review (including those who find my humour lame) is appreciated. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. Now keep readin' y' scurvy dogs!

**Disclaimer: **By now you should know I don't own the Last Samurai. I wish oh I really, really do wish I did owned Captain Jack Sparrow…But I don't sob

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**Yo ho Yo ho off to Japan we go!**

On a ship to Tokyo.

Captain Algren found himself waking up in the boat, only regretting it after the hangover plus the sea-sickness came.

It seems that the fed-up Colonel threw him on board while he was unconscious. It took a while for him to figure where he was, until one of the annoyed sailors finally politely explained his situation, getting sick of his nagging. Algren sincerely expressed his gratitude by getting sick all over him.

Algren: _(a voice over while he stares out to the horizon)_

Dear Diary.

I'm on a boat in the middle of the sea, and it looks as thought that ignorant colonel is illegally importing me to a different country to do his dirty work. He's sooooo mean. I'm gonna get him someday. You'll see. Mwahaha. _(Pauses)_

I never thought it was possible, but I kinda miss being in America already… _(Sigh)_ how long will it be before I can embrace another Budweiser in my hand? And I miss my horsey. I wonder if they have horses in Japan. They probably can only fit ponies...

This boat trip is just soooooo boring! I mean the scenery hasn't changed for ages! It's just ocean, sky, ocean, sky, ocean, sky, hey a seagull! Oh, it's just a cloud…

Sudden cannon blasts startle him as he jumps up to see what was going on.

Two pirates jump on board.

Will Turner: Avast!

A group of screaming girls come out of nowhere and charge towards him.

Fan girls: WE LOVE YOU ORLI!

Will Tuner: Damn not them again! And this time they have limited edition Legolas figures!

He runs away in an elfish haste and his passionate fans desperately chase after him. The other guy drunkly advances upon the confused Algren but stops to pick up one of the figurines left by the girls.

Captain Jack Sparrow: … (_Mumbles to him self_) not as cute as the real thing…

Algren: Um?

Captain Sparrow: Ahoy there! Me name's the famous Captain Jack Sparrow. Now give us your booty y' scurvy dog or its off the plank for yee. Arghhh (_growl for effect)_

Algren: Err… Sprechen Sie Englisch?

Captain Sparrow: Eh? Dammit we must've hit a Spaniard ship! Erm… me pirate! You give gold! Me swordy… (_Drastic gestures with sword and points to sea) _You die! Savvy? Si? Comprehende?

Algren: Sea?

Captain Sparrow: Now that's a good lad. Now off to the cabin and show us y' gold!

Algren: Um (_wild gestues)_ No gold! Um… Yes grog!

Captain Sparrow: _(Looks interested) _Grog? Y' mean y' have rum?

Algren: _(Quickly takes out a bottle) _See?

Captain Sparrow: Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Few hours later Captain Algren and Captain Sparrow indulge in America's finest alcohol and unite in horribly singing their favourite song.

Algren & Sparrow: …and really bad eggs. Drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo-ho Yo-ho A Pirates for me! Arggghhh!

Sparrow: So mate, where y off to?

Algren: Argghhh…off to the land of rice wine!

Sparrow: Out of rice? Must be the French…

Will Turner: (_who was still being frantically chased by his fan-girls) _Parley! Mercy! Please just go away!

**

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Author: That's all for now but the second last samurai will return bigger and better and funnier!**


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